Something happened
BS”D
Shalom,
Something happened.
While training, doing a lift I’ve done hundreds, if not thousands, of times, I succeeded in pushing my body past a limit and dislocated my right shoulder.
Three takeaways.
First: I have known intense physical pain, but I don’t think I’ve felt this kind of blinding physical pain in the last 15 years, where everything else goes quiet. Just pain. Pure, consuming, humbling pain.
I subluxated my shoulder three times last Friday:
once while lifting,
twice while stretching it out,
and a third time during the X-ray.
Each time brought on a new and fascinating humility toward the physical body, how it works, how precise it is, and how Hashem created our mechanics to function a very specific way. I can say honestly: it is by the grace of Hashem and sheer dumb luck that I haven’t hurt myself lethally or worse over the years.
G-d willing, I’m meeting with a top surgeon on Wednesday, and we’ll see how I can swing this supposedly “routine” injury and surgery.
What’s compounding all of this is that I’m slated to run a workshop at the House of More, February 19–22. And with workshops being what they are, people tend to mosey in during the last two weeks. The swirling stories start up right on cue:
A) It’s me.
B) It’s the price.
C) Do I even want to do this?
All familiar, well-worn stories of comparison and contrast, while I’m simultaneously managing newfound pain and trying to be a husband, father, provider, and human.
Let’s not forget the mind-numbing, blistering cold outside this past week. Feels-like minus five in Brooklyn. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before. And we’re celebrating a high of 31 degrees in two days. Mazel tov.
So above all else, I figured I needed to come on and say:
Hey. I’m human.
I’m hurting.
I’m wondering.
And I’m still trusting.
If 18 years of process has taught me anything, it’s that I am never going to be the version of me without pain. Pain is part of the story. Part of the journey.
And thank G-d, Hashem kissed me on my right shoulder, since I drive with my left 🙂
So if you’re reading this and want in on this workshop, let me know.
If you want in on the next one, also good.
And if you’re reading this shaking your head and saying, “Why the hell are you still lifting heavy things over your head?” I see you too.
Thank you for seeing me in my own stubbornness.
It’s the parasha of making it to the mountain, to let go and be subsumed into the One who’s orchestrating it all. A level of surrender where you realize that every step was an integral part of the story.
Blessings,
Moshe Chaim ben Esther
Ready for more?
Moshe
P.S.
Hineini for More.
Welcome.
